My Identity Crisis

It seems to be a thing lately to write about your thoughts and opinions constantly. I have resisted. But now that I am in the mid point of my life, I find I have a lot on my mind and I am going to use this blog as my sounding board. The nice thing about the internet is that you can choose to read it or not.

I have been passionate about music for 30 years of my life. In the past 12 months things have changed. I have released over 20 albums and have (finally) come to a realization. My music is not user-friendly. Nobody can withstand the rigors of listening to it and it just isn't appropraite for this day and age. Too slow. Too Quiet. Folks can't do it. So I gave up.

I shouldn't say it like that. I didn't "GIVE UP" as much as I just saw the writing on the wall. It was time to move on. In all my failures and struggles to get my music out there I lost my passion for it. I started to write music quickly and kinda hap-hazardly to get it over with. And for what? Not only was I working on it less and less, my success was still stunted at best. I just couldn't get anybody to listen or take it seriously. Hell, my best friends and family didn't listen to them, so why would I expect anybody else?

So my identity crisis began. Without my father around anymore (for more information on that, please check out my work "The Gauze-Eyed Gaze Of Bracketed Air". Not for the music (you won't listen) but for the story. It explains it in detail. I digress. My father was my sounding board for years and though I didn't agree with him on everything, I typically saw the world in a similar way. So.... now what?

Honestly, I could have never have given up music with my parents around. I mean, I could have. They wouldn't have cared really. But mentally, I would not have been able to pivot so drastically with them around. It would just have changed everything. So now that they are gone, I don't know... I guess I feel free to do what I want. Strange saying that. I resisted art and visuals for my entire life because I didn't want my father teaching me constantly and I always figured I would be in his shadow. I still am, let's face it.

But I just don't think I would have been able to convert my whole life from music to photography with them around. I spoiled the ending there. I have embraced photography. I have always loved it. I remember seeing a Diane Arbus show in NY years ago and it really changed me. I have love photography ever since, specifically Black and White photography. And not only that, for my day-job at KC Tool, I take photographs all day long, so by improving my skills I can only improve my work there as well. Win-win.

So why was I resistant?

This is the true crux of this post. I have spent my entire adult life searching. Digging. Looking in every corner for something, ANYTHING that was unique. I wanted to be somebody who did something completely different than everybody else. I didn't want to take inspiration from John Cage, I wanted to BE John Cage. I wanted to change music. I wanted my legacy to be bigger than anything I could have imagined. To be in the history books somehow.

It only took 20-30 years, but I finally realized how little that actually means to living life. Memento Mori. My legacy doesn't matter, my work doesn't matter. Nothing matters, really. So fucking enjoy it! I wasn't enjoying making music anymore. I WAS enjoying taking photos, so it was ridiculous to keep up the stupid game. Just change! Embrace it and try to savor the last half of life.

In this politically CRAZY world, I need something to take me away from it. Putting my eye through the view-finder takes away the crazy and quiets my mind. So I am going to see how this goes. I will never be Arbus. I will never be Gursky. I will definitely never be Cindy Sherman or Larry Clark or Nan Goldin. I will only be Collin Thomas and that is okay.